My First College PaPeR!! AHH!!

Hey guys! As you know I'm taking duel enrollment at our school! Which is where I get college hours for my work and high school credit! Well, I am taking my Freshman and sophomore english right now, and I have recently just finished my first college paper! and I'm choosing to share it with YOU!!! (for some of those who read my blog this may seem repetitive! but bear with me!! lol!! You may also notice a few things I have posted on here before in the paper!) EnJoY!!!! (recognize the title?)

Audra Mickle
Mrs. Ivey
English 1010
16 August 2006

Journey's in Life

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us , they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." (Romans 5:3 NLT)

My name is Audra and this is my story. Somewhere in all of our lives we will face trials and tribulations. Some of us will lose ourselves, and some of us will be lucky enough to find ourselves. We all have a choice with what we do with the situations we have at hand. In trials you find strength, in strength you find happiness, in happiness you find yourself. This is the story of my trials and my tribulations. This is the story of me losing myself and finding it again. These are my choices. This is my life.

My life was good, simple yet sophisticated, wholesome. It was mine. My life was nothing out of the ordinary. I've lived in a small town, Prattville, Al, for most of my life. I knew everyone in the town and saw them at least once or twice a day. I was active in most of the school activities, heck I was even the school mascot. I coached soccer for six to eight year old boys and girls, I played guitar in the youth praise band, I acted in community theatre, and I led a bible study for kids in junior high. I was what I wanted to be , I was me. My life was interrupted one day by news no one expects. I was now a person living with cancer.

With the news on my mind and bible in hand I walked into my church, for the first time in my life I was hiding something from my second family. That night I told one of my best friends, my mentor, my associate pastor. I had no idea how to tell him, let alone anyone else. I simply asked him, "Doug, how do you tell the people you love something that's tremendously hard to understand?" His reply, "Just tell them." So that's what I did. I told him that night, with no emotion. It's as if I had been practicing for that moment all my life. Dougs response to my statement was pure shock, fright, alarm. He seemed to be feeling everything I couldn't. We sat there for what felt like days, but it was only a few minutes in utter silence. Neither one of us new what to say, it was if we had just witness a train wreck. And that train wreck was now my life. My simple yet sophisticated life had just slipped through my fingers and fallen into the sea. With what little comfort he could offer, he did, with what emotion he could show, he did, with what little strength he had, he gave ... to me. Where to go now with the disappointed look of a friend, not the look of disappointment in me or the look of disappointment in himself or in our God, but disappoint with our human lives. I went the only place I could, where I knew my secret would be safe, I went home.

The next few months were almost unbearable. No one knew my secret. I wasn't ashamed, I was scared. Scared it would change my life; little did I know it already had. My life felt like someone's little black book. Full of people you had lied to, people you cared little for and one night stands. The life I was living felt like a lie, I was constantly lying to cover up why I was always sick, why I was always tired, why I was always cold or nauseas. The people I care most for I was lying to them on a day to day basis. My life that I had planned out changed to day to day living, never planning past tomorrow. In my darkest and deepest moments I wrote. I wrote to myself, to my family, to my future self, my friends, to my God. I wrote this poem as an escape from my pain, my confusion, and the questions I thought I couldn't ask.

I wonder where tomorrow comes from, where is it going today?

I wonder why I'm so tired and hungry but yet so full?

Why can't I think, move, breathe?

Why did he give and I receive?

Why does he try and take away, but I hold on?

Why was I chosen?

What makes me so special?

I feel sick, nauseas, chest hurts, its colds, and sometimes lonely.

But I know others have gone before me and won, and I know I can do the same.

I wonder is life gunna change?

Has it already and I missed it?

Why do I already want to give in?

Why should I fight, what's to lose?

Where is he going with this, where am I taking it?

Can I look past it or thru it?

Why is he so strong and how can he hold me?

Why has he already taken everything?

Why do I need him?

What's in it for him?

I'm still tried but I can't Sleep.

All I do is think, think about tomorrow, think about today,yesterday,

next week, next year.

And sometimes I'm to tired to think so I sit, and wait, and watch.

For what I don't know, but I'm still sitting, and waiting, and watching.

As I'm sitting, and waiting, and watching

I watch as he paints a picture, a picture of my life.

Its dreams, hopes, worries, desperation,

But it goes blurry with one stroke,

and with the second stroke its wiped clean except for three spots.

I see this and I'm amazed and I sit, and wait, and watch.

Because I'm to tired to think or move.

So he does it all for me.

And I wonder ... but I'm to tired to think.

That was me in November. I took a look at myself and asked, "Is this who I want to be?" No, was my answer. But understand there may be an answer to a question, but no solution. The next few months I would begin to detach myself from my emotions. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't unhappy, I was just there. Not so much "living in the moment", I was just living. Making it day to day, night to night, and sunrise to sunrise. I earnstly began to pray to God for a reason. I thought that if I understood what he had planned out for my life I would feel again. I would be me again. My old self with a simple yet sophisticated life. I would once again be a soccer coach, once again a guiarist in the praise band, an actress in the community theatre, a person living without cancer. I began to get impatient, not angry, but the impatientness you begin to feel after sitting in a doctors office for an hour. I was ready for God to use me, God on the other hand had other plans. I never doubted God, I never questioned where he was, I never felt abandoned. I simply didn't feel. I had some how detached myself from myself! It wasn't until one of my friends past away did I begin to feel again. To better understand what I mean, this is a letter I wrote to Mark after he passed.

Hey!I don't know if anyone will ever read this ... but if they don't it's ok! This can be just between me and you! You know we were never the best of friends, we seemed to butt heads alot! But what I do know is that you made Brittney feel important! And there are some things that friends just can't do! And what we couldn't you DID! When I found out what happend I spent 30 min. looking for your house and another 40 min. waiting on Sarah to meet me at the soccer fields! She told me to turn at the white pickett fence ... do you know that there are two? lol! Who would have guessed I was at the wrong one! But I guess there's a reason for that! You may not have known this but I have cancer! And ever since I was diagnoised ... I somehow seemed to block all feeling out! I kinda detached myself from everything! I was still happy but nat attached to anything! I didn't really care what happend I had no feelings over anything! Mark you may not have known this but God used your trip home to help me! You see I had been asking God to let me feel something again! And I felt like I wasn't geting a response back! And then I got a phone call! And at that moment everything fell to peices! I felt for the longest time ... emotion! It wasn't that I still didn't care for people but I for some reason didn't want to get atached! I broke down and cried for a while! Not only for you but also for your family, Brittney, and all your friends ... but I also cried for me! I cried for you because I wasn't sure if you where a christian or not ... and I cried for me because I wasn't sure when I knew you ... and I still didn't do anything about it. Mark, I'm sorry if I failed you! I prayed for your soul when I found out ... but I knew the desicion had already been made .... I hope to meet you in a better place one day ... when we are both well ....... Thanks for everything you did for Brittney ... and thanks for helping me!

Grace,Audra

Since that night I began to reexamine my life. Where it had been, where I was taking it. The parts I remember, and the parts I didn't. Was this where God wanted me, and this gift that he has given me? I slowly have started to find myself that I once was detached from. This cancer, this disease, this trial in my life has been placed in my life for a reason. What its purpose is, I have no idea. I may never know until I go home. I do question it somedays, but I relize that, that would ruin the surprise. I also understand that I as a human cannot comprehend the plans God has for me, and as hard as it may be I'll do my best to continue to accept it.

I now am a soccer coach for six to eight year old boys and girls, I now play guitar in the youth praise band, I now act in community theatre, and I now lead a bible study for kids in junior high. I'm now starting to be who I want ... I'm starting to be me. I now am a person living with cancer.

I recently had a teacher tell me, "Don't tell me, show me. Make me care!" She told me that she wanted to hear my voice, my story, well this is it. In trials I found God's strength, in strength I found my happiness, in happiness I found myself. And the rest is still unwritten.

Hope you enjoyed it LoL!! thanks for reading! lata! (p.S. - I deserve a gold star for posting 3 DAYS in a ROW!! lol)