This doesn't make sense ...?

Hey Moma Lisa! (hehe!)

Hey guys! These past few weeks have probably been the most stressful yet most defining weeks of my youth! I don't even know where to start! So I'll just start typing and when I get tired I guess I'll be thru!

My parents and I decided that camp was becoming to much for me. So I decided to take my last 2 weeks off! Which was very hard for me ... I don't like to quit. I guess it was hard for me A.) because not eveyone knew and once I left I knew that they would find out B.) I've never not been able to push myself hard enough so that I couldn't finish a job! So I guess answer B made me realize some things! Which were alot harder than I thought to accept!

This past Sunday one of my friends past away! He had a heart problem. He had, had a pace maker put in in the spring and was doing fine. He had his tonsils out a week ago and when 2 of our friends went over to hang out, his dad went in to wake him up and relized that Mark had passed away in his sleep ...

Rachel Dicks and I have started a new thing ... in the summer we have started going to radom churches that we have never been to before! Well, this past Sunday we went to Whitfield United Methodist Church in Montgomery! We knew alot of people there from Chrysalis. Well, this week is their Youth Week and Rachel and I thought it would be fun to go! So we have been going and it's been truely amazing it's been such a huge help with dealing with all the stress of losing Mark! Well one of the guys I know from Chrysalis asked me to come and give my testimony in August. And I was like .... ok! Ten min. later I got to think I don't know what the heck my testimony is! I didn't know where to look or begin!

Most of you are probably thinking "Audra ... you have cancer !!! That seems to be a good place to start!" lol (you can laugh at that ... I found it funny! idk why, but I did! lol)

Well, it got me to thinking and on the way back to Prattville with Rachel Dicks in the car I started to think out loud! Oh yes! lol! I looked at Rachel in all honesty and I think I scared her ... and myself ... I relized even though God has given me this "bump in my road" I don't feel that much closer to God! (This is where I started to think out loud) I looked at her and said "What if I was suppose to get alot closer than I am ... what if he gives me an even bigger speed bump to bring me closer .... (but I didn't actually say "bigger speed bump" I said leukemia) I was left to think about this ... and I did and it hit me .... maybe God didn't give this to me for ME but for someone ELSE!! You see my relationship with God was already established before I was diagnoised! We where tight and we still are! I already depended on God to get me through the day .. when you have ADD what else are you suppose to do? I just know that I pray for things now that I normally wouldn't have before! But something did happen after I was diagnoised ... I didn't shut people out, I didn't get depressed ... but I did detach my self from my emotions. I was still happy and stuff but it was like it was a happy "for only that moment". Then I wouldn't get sad ... but I would just be there ... not really feeling (don't get me wrong people who say they don't feel anything are usually depressed I'm not just ... detached!

So how is this all tying into my testimony ... to tell you the truth I have NO IDEA! lol! It is however 1:46 in the morning and I've had probably about 4 hours of sleep a night since Sunday!

But something happend Sunday that I had been praying for, that I didn't realize until yesterday!
I felt something! I have a letter that I wrote Mark that I want to share with you because I think it explains what I have been trying to ... but haven't been doing a very good job of! lol!

Hey!

I don't know if anyone will ever read this ... but if they don't it's ok! This can be just b/w me and you! You know I didn't really know you! But what I do know is that you made Brittney feel important! And there are some things that friends just can't do! And what we couldn't you DID! When I found out what happend I spent 30 min. looking for your house and another 40 min. waiting on Sarah to meet me at the soccer fields! She told me to turn at the white pickett fence ... do you know that there are 2? lol! Who would have guessed I was at the wrong one! But I guess there's a reason for that! You may not have known this but I have cancer! And ever since I was diagnoised ... I somehow seemed to block all feeling out! I kinda detached myself from everything! I was still happy but nat attached to anything! I didn't really care what happend I had no feelings over anything! Mark you may not have known this but God used your trip home to help me! You see I had been asking God to let me feel something again! And I felt like I wasn't geting a response back! And then I got a phone call! And at that moment everything fell to peices! I felt for the longest time ... emotion! It wasn't that I still didn't care for people but I for some reason didn't want to get atached! I broke down and cried for a while! Not only for you but also for your family, Brittney, and all your friends ... but I also cried for me! I cried for you b/c I wasn't sure if you where a christian or not ... and I cried for me b/c I wasn't sure when I knew you ... and I still didn't do anything about it. Mark, I'm sorry if I failed you! I prayed for your soul when I found out ... but I knew the desicion had already been made .... I hope to meet you in a better place one day ... when we are both well ....... Thanks for everything you did for Brittney ... and thanks for helping me!

Grace,
Audra

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to ANYONE! but if you read it thanks for your time! So where does this leave me with my testimony .... half way put together I guess! well, I got to go Me and Rachel are going to "The Crib" (Highland Gardens Community Center) to hang out with some pretty kewl kids tomorrow! Love ya!