Last Day of 2005 !

It's late again ... and I can't sleep imagine that! Today is the last day of 2005. I can't believe it! It's gone by so fast ... and yet so slow. It seems to me every year speeds up and slows down for it's on reasons, at all the wrong times. For instance - Summer breaks and Christmas holidays -never are long enough, but when you have Anatomy, Chemistry, and Algebra 3 the days don't go by fast enough. But as most of you know I was diagnosed with Carcinoid cancer in October of this year and I promise you the days get shorter and the nights get longer.The days are filled with my normal hectic routine of trying to make it till that night without getting sick or without letting it show that am sick. Then the nights are filled with countless hours of no sleep b/c I'm to busy thinking about other things like "How far do I want to push myself or how far do I actually need to push myself?" "What college am I going to go to? Am I going to have to tell everyone all over when get there, since there isn't a cure? Are my teachers going to understand?" "Am I strong enough for this ... for myself?" "Where is my breaking point?" "I know I didn't choose this, it chose me." "Where is God taking this? Can we hurry up and get there?" "Is it ok to Cry? "Is it ok to be scared?" "How tough do I have to be?" and somewhere in the middle of this the occasional "What am I going to wear tomorrow?" "What am I going to write on my Blog! HA!" "Who am I going to invite to Cotton cotillion?" and somewhere I'll fall asleep and a new day will eventually begin. But since I've found out I had cancer I've had school to occupy my mind. Since we are out for Christmas break I've had a lot of time to think about things (I know scary ... me thinking!). You know somedays I feel like running away ... away from everything .. like you just need a break from reality, but I realized running away is good for avoiding things, it's good for avoiding yourself, it's good for avoiding the people you love, it's good for avoiding your life. And I'm tired of running and faking, I'm tired of having a wall, I'm tired of people not knowing or understanding, I'm tired of giving blood, I'm tired of doctors and medications, I'm tired of shots, I'm tired of being sick, cold, and tremors, I'm tired and I know when I think of how I have to do this for the rest of my life it's to much to handel and I know I need to take it day by day, but I'm tired of taking it day to day, I want to make plans and not have to break them, someday's I'm tired of being positive but I know I have to be, I'm tired of being uncertain, I'm tired of not letting myself cry, I'm glad God's in control b/c Lord knows I would mess things up if I was, but I wish he would let me in on his plan. I wish I knew where he was going with this. I wish I knew what days I would be sick. I wish ... You know when you think something and you know you shouldn't. Like you do something and you do it wrong and your mom says "I told you so!" and thats just not what you want to hear at all! I hate knowing the "politically correct" answer. Somedays I wish I didn't know it, but other days it's good to have it to fall back on. And someday's I hate having to take my own advice that I've dished out to my friends. Like I wonder " am I strong enough for this and I think no but I know God is" and "When people say I wish I could take this from you and I say don't worry he already took everything." Sometimes I want to say "yeah me to" or "go ahead take it!"Not that anyone should have to go thru this or that I'm wishing it on someone else ... it would just be easier if it wasn't me (it always is though if it's not you) ... and I know "God didn't allow for this to happened he planned it (which is very comforting) but why? and I know I shouldn't question him ... All in all ... I'm wishing ... and I'm tired ... so good night ... and thanks for listening ... or reading!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!